Lately, it seems I have been battling some demons. I won't say it is a bad thing, but there have been some challenging moments. I was 100% disabled in 2010, but went back to work in 2016 because the clutches of depression took hold. Sometimes words simply will not describe the intensity of the feelings and thoughts associated with it. In May of 2025, I was again 100% disabled due to the combination of my hand surgeries and my spinal fusion. Now here we are, just over a year later, and I am fighting to resist those very clutches.

It is NOT a dangerous onset, just a nagging devaluation of self. The mental state is somewhat fine, just a bit cloudy when it comes to choosing direction and purpose. If I were a younger person, I would finish up my degree and push on to try to gain employment in the tech industry. Trouble is, I am 57 years old and companies shop for ROI when they make staffing decisions—they don't want someone who is only likely to be around for a few years. Fortunately, I have a very versatile skillset: from commercial kitchens, mechanical repair, collision repair, and automotive restoration, to people management skills—and then there is my CDL-A.

Recently, I decided to try driving again to see if I can handle that much time in a seat, given the discomfort my back causes after prolonged periods of sitting. While I do not like the East Coast, what I am seeing is that some of the mega-corporate transport companies have realized the reason they don't have "loyal" drivers is because they pay low wages; in most cases, drivers are no more than a number in a database that can be changed with a few keystrokes. I did enjoy the time I spent traveling the country, but I felt micromanaged for the pitiful wage that was being paid at the time. I had been trying to work with an agency to help me sort out some direction to alleviate the feeling of self-loathing that had begun to set in, but the wheels of bureaucracy turn ever so slow.

At 57, I just want to earn a wage that contributes to the household, affords me a decent lifestyle, and gives me a means of saving money for when I can't just decide I want to try something anymore. I want to do something that allows me to contribute to my own well-being. I don't want to wear the over-judged and misunderstood label of "disabled" until I can no longer move. While there may be people who would love being able to exist in this way, that is NOT me. I don't expect people to understand it, but the fact of the matter is my mental state is more important to me than my physical state. As long as I am physically able, I will do something that removes the feeling of worthlessness.

It is not a feeling of giving up. I will never sit down and give up, but I will contribute to my own lifestyle in whatever ways that I can. That is how this entire website came to be, including the whole lab that I set up here in the house. Now, while learning is a great thing, it has to serve a purpose, a means to an end per-se. So I will wait another week, and if I don't hear something I will do what I was trying NOT to do, which is jump back in an OTR truck, and go for as long as I can take it.

That is why I looked into and agreed to a part time local gig...
To see if it was sustainable based on my tolerance and limitations.
But patience is not my strong suit, and I will NOT give away any more damage or destruction upon my own body. It will be bought on my terms and my terms alone, or I will allow the battle to continue internally.